God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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