no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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