I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
