Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
