i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
