bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
