I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
