I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
