i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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