Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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