There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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