you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
