You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
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