Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
