They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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