Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Randomize
