god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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