85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
