I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
birth control should be required to get into college
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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