So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My penis needs a shock collar
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
