i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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