I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
