So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
