Midget sex pt 2 tonight
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
