I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
