Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
