If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
