Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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