I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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