I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
