the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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