just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
