I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
