I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
