you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This is my gift to your gina
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
