Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
