I can text with my tongue
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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