Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
