do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
