he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I want a musical about memes.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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