I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
