Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
