i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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