Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
