Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
