And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
