So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
