I think I died a long time ago.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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