I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
