So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
