Your tits are I can't wait for
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
