I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
