I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
