i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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