tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
