Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
