i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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