We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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