Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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