So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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